Getting back to meditation

I stopped meditating over the last two years. Not because I wanted to, because I couldn’t do it. Every time I would sit down to meditate my head would rush in a thousand directions. Now this is exactly the kind of things meditation deals with: just bring back your attention to your breathing without judgement on those thoughts — they are just passing by.
But after a few attempts I would suddenly get a strong urge to be somewhere else doing something more productive (working, cooking, shopping, …) and I would just have to leave.

I’ve read that the more this happens to us, the more we should try to meditate — even if for short periods. In the end I was just pressuring myself to meditate, not doing it and just feeling upset myself. Plus, I was justifying all of it with excuses: breaking up with my long-time girlfriend, imminent change in job and relocation, …

That’s why I was so happy today. I woke up at 4:00 am and it didn’t look like I was just going to fall asleep again… so I decided to just sit down in the dark and start meditating. I went for anapana meditation. Just concentrating on what you feel in a small area under your nose and above your lip, while you do natural breathing. This time thoughts were still coming and going through my mind, and I was bringing my attention back to the same small areal. I did not feel rushed, I did not feel I was supposed to be somewhere else as I sat down.

It helped me to remember that overtime our meditation is different. All we can do is be present in the moment, pay attention and do our best. So don’t give up on your meditation because it has not been working for a while!